Monthly Archives: April 2017

BREAKING: Russian operatives hack Easter Sunday, little sister wins Easter egg hunt two years in a row

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A bunch of Easter eggs scattered on the ground, an American tradition Photo: Megan Spicer

In what has turned into worldwide contention, anonymous sources have confirmed for America mainstream news organizations that Russian operatives have officially hacked the results of the 2017 La Crescent, Minnesota family Easter egg hunt, siding the last born child.

The youngest of four siblings won a second year in a row, prompting an immediate recount, massive protests around the nation, and cries that she turn over the highly-demanded $20 from the golden egg–which this years was secretly hidden in a red plastic egg, by Russian operatives, rather than in the shining golden egg.

There has been no confirmation or dis-confirmation of these damning allegations by Russian sources, merely they responded by not responding because no questions were asked, per usual–which means theses assertions hold clout, obviously.  There is no legal reason why the youngest sibling should win 2 years in a row, the outcome is suspect.

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April the giraffe gives birth to computer generated baby giraffe in staged event on Facebook, anonymous sources admit

About 9:50 a.m. ET, April the giraffe, whose privacy rights violation pregnancy captivated thousands, gave birth to a computer generated baby calf at Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, N.Y.  Five minutes later, it was announced to deaf eared masses that the event was in fact staged.

The computer generated baby calf squirted out and splayed on the ground before standing up and disappearing into a green screen, its mother nuzzling the newborn CGI calf exactly as the director had directed, yelling cut. At the time of the birth, about 1.2 million people watched live on YouTube and nearly 750K watched from the zoo’s Facebook page.

The advertising revenues earned from this elaborately staged event was nothing short of a European diamond heist, and those watching will be none the wiser if it is real or not real. People are more concerned with the happy thoughts of seeing a baby giraffe born in real-time on Facebook, when contrasted with fear and war and division.

This distraction is wonderful fodder and gives people a warm fuzzy feeling, making them unwilling to question the time spent watching this “real” event, when actually it was staged in such a fashion that no one could see the truth, only advertisers.

We had to come out and say it, an anonymous highly-regarded spokesperson said, we felt bad about hosing people about this event since February… We thought it was going to be a bit more obvious considering the perfect timing of the birth, Saturday, in the morning, while people are checking their phones… But is seems no one got it. 

Surly Brewing rumored to release beer for Father John Misty Show, Father John Maibock

Minneapolis, Minn- On August 19th, 2017 a much anticipated Father John Misty show is slated to arrive at Surly Brewing in Minneapolis–with openers Tennis, and that is not all that is rumored to be arriving.  

To coincide with the epic soon-to-be sold out FJM show, Surly Brewing may be releasing a new spring flavor to their beverage arsenal, the new Maibock is aptly named FJM, or Father John Maibock.


This beer is set to be released, possibly, to the screaming fans and local fare at Surly Brewing this August, for what is scheduled to be a night to never forget.  

Minnesota man to consider $5 donation during next MPR membership drive if he reads one positive unbiased article about Trump, published by the mainstream news organization

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President of the United States of America pointing across a room at an unknown person, one positive article to garner $5 donation to MPR from local man. Photo by Getty

Reports broke Tuesday that local Minnesota man, who happens to be a millennial, a college grad, and a recent republican voter–although no party affiliation at this time could be confirmed, to consider donating $5 to next MPR membership drive if they write one positive unbiased article about president Donald Trump.

This incredible news came to a slough of jeers, guffaws, and mumbles from friends, colleagues, and family who happened to be unflinching MPR supporters.  Their reaction was to vehemently detest the idea that MPR as an organization could be biased in anyway towards anyone with differing ideas always–those not of the Progressive-Democratic ilk.

Though, these reports are wholly unconfirmed and unverified, the local male will be watching reports and reading articles ever closely looking for any indication that objective reporting exists in the state of Minnesota, and as he suggested, if he finds this to be the case he will consider contributing his $5 donation and become a highly member.  We all wait with bated breath.

New Study: Global warming to cause devastating measurable harm in America locally in 2017, spring rummage sales in the midwest to take an incredibly massive hit

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Steam pipes spraying off a bunch of steam into the blue skies at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time soon to change midwestern rummage sales forever (Photo by Walter/flickr CC2.0)

 

So far this year, we have seen polar ice caps melting more swiftly into the see, extreme weather spawning tornadoes across the central United States wreaking havoc, and now there is more tangible proof that the laws of global warming are taking a real grip globally and locally, midwestern rummage sales are slated to take a dramatic fiscal hit this year.

“Sure, the snow is gone, the ice piles is melting, and the flowers are popping up everywhere, but this change will touch us all, it will cause rummage salers to be absolutely confused about when to go rummagesaling… when to buy or sell.  What’s even more, executives holding rummage sales will be just as confused as when to have a rummage sale as a tomato plant that tries to bloom in march in Duluth!”  One disgruntled anonymous self-proclaimed community representative said last week.

All of this nice, tempered weather in what should be a winter weather wonderland this season will have an eventual, inevitable, severe, insane, incredible, unbelievable, amazing, awesome, terrible, ridiculous, measurable cost.  Rummage sales sales for 2017 are forecasted to be down, way down.  Down so much so that $25 worth of things-you-no-longer-wanted-cluttering-up-your-house will be worth only $15.  

This year’s global warming inevitability is bad, real bad.  (And that’s been fact-checked) When you think about the local effect that global warming has on the world, it is hard to comprehend.  If each neighborhood is unable to make money off of rummage sales then the GDP for that neighborhood will be perish, changing tax values, raising the crime rate, adding to growing poverty, and this obviously leads to more socio-economical matters of grave concern, of course more protests.

And with all this bad, there is a silverling.  Although, global warming will be felt locally–by law, immensely this year, there is still hope.  A band of vigilante activists called “NCF” (which stands for No Carbohydrate Footprint) is out spreading the message to reduce their carbohydrate footprint drastically.  Their actions are simple and easy and anyone can make change for the better.  They advise the masses to simply eat less bread, noodles, and pop tarts.  We can all make positive change in these dire times by stepping it up and reducing out carbohydrate footprint.

In lieu of all of this new information from this new study, now that there is visible measurable proof, all naysayers can switch their ideologies and start fixing the problem here and now, on this planet.  Further, to help reduce one’s carbohydrate footprint one must avoid all grains, all food products that have carbohydrates in them.  The world truly depends on those with higher enlightenment, those with the ability to make change in the present for the better of the future.

Gorsuch’s fate to be decided by bipartisan singing competition, Democrats and Republicans both agree that they love The Voice

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Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch laying down the law about singing competition as he raises both hands for two questions confusedly during his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Photo by MPR/AP

What seemed a strange outcome to what would potentially be a interminable filibuster, which would then transpire into the ever dreaded “nuclear option”, government representatives have agreed to settle their contrasting differences in an unprecedented singing competition, because both parties love The Voice.

Tension soared to new heights on Monday as Democrats poised to block the Gorsuch vote and waste more time just talking (for lack of purpose)–which they have immense practice at, and as the Republicans estimated ways they could eventually change the rules by reinterpreting them as not to break them.  Then, a silver lining, wonderful idea: sing it the fuck out.  Now instead of meaningless jabber, they will serenade!

In this astonishing change of heart, all humility was saved by what was at first a quiet suggestion of a fair competition, one that Russia could certainly not hack or manipulate the paramount results of, and still, a game that would give any one group an option to decide who is more right than the other unequivocally.  That’s when Gorsuch made the suggestions himself.

It was a risky move that was taken–very necessary though, very… to put that novel idea forward into the shark tank of US politics, and for once all parties agreed on something for a total of 20 seconds… an anonymous, yet, highly reliable source onlooker unaffiliated with CNN said.  It was incredible.  God… it was like they wasted the last year and just did something.  Holy shit.  Wow.  This is AMAZING… it’s like a kale salad.  another legitimate anonymous source partaking not associated with MPR said off the record.

Gorsuch went on to graciously expound that he got his unique concept of a singing competition from watching hit network television show The Voice, he thought of fixing all the world’s problems by singing about them seems absolutely realistic, and ironically very similar to a filibuster but more upbeat.  And everyone loves The Voice.

Today politicians are going to use their voices for the voices of the American people because of The Voice, and Gorsuch, and in this competition determine once and for all Gorsuch fate and the future of America.