Category Archives: Comedy

BREAKING NEWS: Trump Draws With Sharpie on a Map

Trump embattled with Dorian

09/07/19 America, USA–The most important news in the world today is between a president, a Sharpie, and the guestimated path of a storm, now forever infamous, on a map.

That means there isn’t much else to report on in the world today. Trump used a Sharpie to draw on a map to prove his point on a forecasted storm path. That is worth the headline.

And it doesn’t stop there. Trump memes have turned to Sharpiegate all over social media. An even more important event than Hurricane Dorian itself, it seems, but not really.

Trump, a Sharpie, and a storm on a Ross Perotesque map, front and center. That’s the most important information to read about between the prescription pill ads and the ads promoting mass consumerism.

We live in a wonderful world. When the aforementioned is the worst news. The news media can disparage and distract and still run ads.

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Early Arrival of Pumpkin Spice Latte signals End of Global Warming

Share track: Credit Cards Are Taking Your Millions

Socialism in a Meme

New Puppy No Longer Facebook Sensation, Likes and Comments Down, Owner Struggles to Find It Home at Humane Society

AMERICA, USA–A recent study showed that on average 65% of pet owners posted pictures of their pets to social media twice a week, these posts impact the quality of life for pets, especially if the pet is having trouble garnering an attractive and powerful presence on social media platforms.

Last week, for example, in a stunning reversal of opinion due to lack of likes and followers on Facebook, the owner of an old new puppy struggled to find it a new home at the humane society.

Likes just weren’t what they used to be on Facebook and Instagram, so the pooch had to go, said the former owner laughingly while staring at their phone. There will be better puppies out there to post on social media about, they quipped.

Recently, perhaps, there has been an uptick in the number of pets not pulling their weight on social media platforms and this hypothetical theory may directly impact the animal population within rescue facilities all over the globe, and their owner’s clout in the social media universe.

One solution to this potential problem could be that dogs and pets simply need to be cuter to retain their social media following and meaningful presence, perhaps breeding them better or creating an amazing, more interesting presence on social media can nip this issue in the bud.

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TS_

Don’t Stop Believing: Democrats and News Media Agree Mueller Report OVER But There is Still More to Investigate, Always

AMERICA, USA– Even if it’s NOT Mueller Time (bummer) and President Trump isn’t found to have colluded with Russia (double bummer), perhaps, rest assured Democrats and the news media will continue their endless crusade to prove what they believe happened happened, no matter what.

Everyone in the United States can sleep easy knowing that the smartest, most aware, most unbiased, and believable are now on the case, again, again. Really. This time they aren’t just looking for Russia collision tied to Trump, they are also looking for unicorns, magic dragons, and pots of gold at the end of rainbows. They are going to dig DEEP!

The new, new investigation could take an infinite amount of time, cover a plethora of unlimited topics, and cost tax payers trillions of dollars. But they got time, it’s not election season yet. And they got money: yours. And they got ideas, new ones! Get ready for the inevitable, again.

Coverage of the new investigation is expected daily, throughout its entirety, for transparency purposes. Indictments and new, more unique theories to follow. It’s Time… formerly known as Mueller Time, time.

Americans have waited two years, they can wait longer for this imperative and paramount information to be provided by this report, or the next, or the next, to reach a conclusion (that Democrats and the news media can all agree with).

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TS_

President Trump Declares Thanksgiving “Trumpsgiving”, New National Holiday in Honor of Himself

In an unprecedented last minute executive order, President Trump declared Thanksgiving as the newly rebranded national holiday, “Trumpsgiving”, according to anonymous high-level sources close to the administration.

The presidential name change took place early this morning, moments before the kickoff of the Macy’s Thanksgiving’s Day Parade. In response many cheered at the news, as others publicly screamed at the sky in agony.

Reports close to the unnamed sources Thursday, described the new holiday as similar to Thanksgiving but tremendously and hugely and bigly better for all Americans everywhere, a great success, like no other. And that people will love it, you’ll see.

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Happy Trumpsgiving,
TS_