Category Archives: media

Turn off, tune out: how the media creates the problems their pharmaceutical commercials claim they can cure, just ask your doctor


I had’t thought about it much until my phone broke. Bullshit black-screen of death… I had no phone, I had nothing… Or so I thought, well, most would think this. I might have been wrong. It was great. And getting my phone back a week or so ago makes me want that no-phone situation back again.

The reason for that is the news, the constant reaching in my pocket to find my screen. Inevitably, now, I will be on my phone, pull something up, google search something and see hatred disguised as necessary, as justice. I will scan a newspaper website and I will find something like hate-ads that ask me to find these people and hate them too, ironically for hating.

The concept of turn off, tune out–or whatever catchphrase it was is nothing new. (I am sure I want to get away like everyone else. They could actually fake me in videos now.) In fact, it’s probably very old. It doesn’t matter. But try it. Shut the phone off. Just the phone. Watch a movie and take a walk. Maybe shut the television off too.

We could scroll Facebook, Reddit, Twitter, Instagram for hours but we still find ourselves in the same place: sitting between up and down, looking for what’s next, constantly moving towards the end–if that is even possible. I don’t know. I think of how stupid it must feel to craft a post that would appease everyone that is in my friend group and those who are in my friend group who I don’t give a shit about… I wonder… Does this jive with my ideology? Or is it fake?

And the conclusion hit me today. I walked into a dark office in the afternoon and ran into someone who couldn’t believe the world news and how everything was internal struggle and meltdown, go figure. It was too much. The whole world was ending certainly.

Ah… but not here I thought. The world in this quiet dark office was very pleasant, nothing to bother anyone. Even the lights weren’t offensive and people weren’t playing music outside. It was fine. I told my friend I laughed at the nightly news; every new day was a new catastrophic drama-fest meltdown stoked by advertisements and distractionism. Something unreal.

And I calmed. Maybe I should add turn off the local news to the list. They are sponsored by something as well. There are hosts that will never get fired because of what they say they are, honest. There are stories that will never get covered because of what others say they are, different. And we can agree. Still, there is that button you can touch. Turn it off and take a much needed breath of air and just think for once.

After El Capitan, Alex Honnold free-solo climbs into his van

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Image from Outside Magazine

Yosemite National Park–Alex Honnold has done it once again and attained another impossible feat in the world of serious climbing. After tackling El Capitan, onlookers watched as Honnold effortlessly and breathtakingly free-solo climbed into his van.

Awestruck spectators watching with eyes agape could hardly believe their camera phones at what they were witnessing/recording for Instagram, the professional mountain climber and avid reader stepped up to his white utility van and pulled himself in with absolute ease over the crux of the biscuit, the side door hole.

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Image from Outside Magazine

What was once thought an unbelievable accomplishment for humankind, to climb into a van door without safety ropes and harnesses or parachutes or life jacket has been proved believed, and somewhat realistically attainable by man.

The significance of this epic and monumental ascent is nothing short of the faked moon landing footage, in relation to what Stanley Kubrick had done for the American mentality in the space race and for cinematography in general throughout history, in relation to what Alex Honnold did in his climbing groups zen.

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From inside of his van Honnold humbly took questions looking incredibly far down at the world from such a great height as he ate a pop tart and read a book about notes from some 19th century author who lived in some underground. Honnold could only thank his dearest mother.

Newly adopted rescue dog thwarts suspected armed robbery; assailants disarmed and dislegged by “Fluffy” still at large

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“Fluffy” rescue dog who purportedly saved family from would-be robbers

Frogtown USA– In what seems to be an ironic and tragic series of events, authorities have responded to a gruesome scene in what could only be described as an armed robbery gone incredibly and horribly wrong.

At the shocking scene bloody body parts lay strewn at what could have been an armed robbery only thwarted by the new family companion, pictured above, a dog named Fluffy, a newly adopted rescue animal.  No victims were harmed, no property stolen, and only the suspected criminals were left scathed.

After the failed heist, intervened by “Fluffy” the Rogers’ beloved newly adopted rescue dog, assailants made away not on foot, bleeding profusely from badly torn orifices, crying in agonizing pain, from deep and infected canine bite wounds.

In lieu of these blessed and terrifying events, the Frogtown detectives have issued an all points bulletin for the general public to be on the look out for two men in shredded ski masks missing arms and legs and most likely suffering from extreme blood loss.

[The] Body parts have been removed from the scene and been logged into the Frogtown criminal investigations headquarters as evidence of this epic failure of an attempted armed robbery.  Authorities are tirelessly trying to match arms and legs to at large assailants via DNA analysis.

New Study: Global warming to cause devastating measurable harm in America locally in 2017, spring rummage sales in the midwest to take an incredibly massive hit

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Steam pipes spraying off a bunch of steam into the blue skies at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time soon to change midwestern rummage sales forever (Photo by Walter/flickr CC2.0)

 

So far this year, we have seen polar ice caps melting more swiftly into the see, extreme weather spawning tornadoes across the central United States wreaking havoc, and now there is more tangible proof that the laws of global warming are taking a real grip globally and locally, midwestern rummage sales are slated to take a dramatic fiscal hit this year.

“Sure, the snow is gone, the ice piles is melting, and the flowers are popping up everywhere, but this change will touch us all, it will cause rummage salers to be absolutely confused about when to go rummagesaling… when to buy or sell.  What’s even more, executives holding rummage sales will be just as confused as when to have a rummage sale as a tomato plant that tries to bloom in march in Duluth!”  One disgruntled anonymous self-proclaimed community representative said last week.

All of this nice, tempered weather in what should be a winter weather wonderland this season will have an eventual, inevitable, severe, insane, incredible, unbelievable, amazing, awesome, terrible, ridiculous, measurable cost.  Rummage sales sales for 2017 are forecasted to be down, way down.  Down so much so that $25 worth of things-you-no-longer-wanted-cluttering-up-your-house will be worth only $15.  

This year’s global warming inevitability is bad, real bad.  (And that’s been fact-checked) When you think about the local effect that global warming has on the world, it is hard to comprehend.  If each neighborhood is unable to make money off of rummage sales then the GDP for that neighborhood will be perish, changing tax values, raising the crime rate, adding to growing poverty, and this obviously leads to more socio-economical matters of grave concern, of course more protests.

And with all this bad, there is a silverling.  Although, global warming will be felt locally–by law, immensely this year, there is still hope.  A band of vigilante activists called “NCF” (which stands for No Carbohydrate Footprint) is out spreading the message to reduce their carbohydrate footprint drastically.  Their actions are simple and easy and anyone can make change for the better.  They advise the masses to simply eat less bread, noodles, and pop tarts.  We can all make positive change in these dire times by stepping it up and reducing out carbohydrate footprint.

In lieu of all of this new information from this new study, now that there is visible measurable proof, all naysayers can switch their ideologies and start fixing the problem here and now, on this planet.  Further, to help reduce one’s carbohydrate footprint one must avoid all grains, all food products that have carbohydrates in them.  The world truly depends on those with higher enlightenment, those with the ability to make change in the present for the better of the future.

Gorsuch’s fate to be decided by bipartisan singing competition, Democrats and Republicans both agree that they love The Voice

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Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch laying down the law about singing competition as he raises both hands for two questions confusedly during his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Photo by MPR/AP

What seemed a strange outcome to what would potentially be a interminable filibuster, which would then transpire into the ever dreaded “nuclear option”, government representatives have agreed to settle their contrasting differences in an unprecedented singing competition, because both parties love The Voice.

Tension soared to new heights on Monday as Democrats poised to block the Gorsuch vote and waste more time just talking (for lack of purpose)–which they have immense practice at, and as the Republicans estimated ways they could eventually change the rules by reinterpreting them as not to break them.  Then, a silver lining, wonderful idea: sing it the fuck out.  Now instead of meaningless jabber, they will serenade!

In this astonishing change of heart, all humility was saved by what was at first a quiet suggestion of a fair competition, one that Russia could certainly not hack or manipulate the paramount results of, and still, a game that would give any one group an option to decide who is more right than the other unequivocally.  That’s when Gorsuch made the suggestions himself.

It was a risky move that was taken–very necessary though, very… to put that novel idea forward into the shark tank of US politics, and for once all parties agreed on something for a total of 20 seconds… an anonymous, yet, highly reliable source onlooker unaffiliated with CNN said.  It was incredible.  God… it was like they wasted the last year and just did something.  Holy shit.  Wow.  This is AMAZING… it’s like a kale salad.  another legitimate anonymous source partaking not associated with MPR said off the record.

Gorsuch went on to graciously expound that he got his unique concept of a singing competition from watching hit network television show The Voice, he thought of fixing all the world’s problems by singing about them seems absolutely realistic, and ironically very similar to a filibuster but more upbeat.  And everyone loves The Voice.

Today politicians are going to use their voices for the voices of the American people because of The Voice, and Gorsuch, and in this competition determine once and for all Gorsuch fate and the future of America.  

UPDATE: Real ID passes in Minnesota, to go to an immediate recount over outcry from career demonstrators concerned for real IDs of Fantalogists

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A security guard checking a questionable passport of some guy in a leather jacket at an airport somewhere. Photo by Nam Y. Huh, Associated Press

“The Minnesota Senate passed a bill late Thursday to bring the state into compliance with the federal Real ID law as a January 2018 deadline nears”, and moments later, predictably, thousands of career demonstrators gathered outside to protest the passing of the Real ID bill to protect the rights of a small group of Fantalogists living in fantasy world.

Under the new law real fake people, Fantalogists–those religiously living in imaginary fantasy world, would be required by law to change their real fake status–or change their fantasy status, to real person or real citizen.  This change would go against their fantastical real-fake principles said a completely reliable source and in-house resident of fantasy world.

What this new law does actually is cause people who do want to live in fantasy world much stress, it forces them to come into reality and get a card that states that… one anonymous impassioned and disruptive protester explained without listening.  This basically goes against everything we know, you can look at the facts, this literally goes against the religious rights of real fake people, therefore our First Amendment rights–this is a constitutional issue!!!

After the twilight outcry, the Minnesota Senate quickly regrouped with coffee and donuts and started to commence discussion of a recount of sorts.  Those inside agreed that bending to the whims of the outcry would benefit the Fantalogist community, and in turn, help the Senators secure their reelection bids in the future.  Unnamed sources close to the MN Senate would not confirm or disconfirm when or if this recount would happen.

Posting obvious information on neighborhood social networking service found to give community members generally good vibes

Though their presence hasn’t made quite as much of an impact globally as crafting an obvious Facebook post, posting obvious information and content on neighborhood social networking services has been found to give community members generally good vibes, and has been known to impact people positively, progressively, for the common good of the immediate neighborhood and its awareness.

Recently, an American consumer relations information website study of a random sample of various individuals from diverse community neighborhood social networking services of North America, in and around the greater Midwest, has found that posting obvious informational information, and content that may seem obvious, ironically, somewhat vaguely, is found to give positive feelings of relation to those reading said obvious posts.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it weren’t for these community members posting and contributing on neighborhood social networking services rather than on their Facebooks, the neighborhoods where they reside, and hibernate, wouldn’t be nearly as enlightened or relevant. Posts relating to trash day delays, urban gardening, space heater dangers, zero waste initiatives, cutting cable, dog poisonings, grown from seed plants, and package thefts would not reach a local audience with such tangible impact.

So, rest assured, when you receive 10 – 15 email updates in your inbox in one day from those Next door, it is for a good cause, one which gives your community the feel of a progressive and positive environment, all from the relative safety of the internet, cathartically through persons on a couch or a futon. These notifications are not nuisances, they are paramount, and proven to spread good feelings far and wide on your block. It is time we thank those who share common sense as if it were a new scientific breakthrough, and keep the good vibes alive, one obvious adage at a time.