Category Archives: Politics

Turn off, tune out: how the media creates the problems their pharmaceutical commercials claim they can cure, just ask your doctor


I had’t thought about it much until my phone broke. Bullshit black-screen of death… I had no phone, I had nothing… Or so I thought, well, most would think this. I might have been wrong. It was great. And getting my phone back a week or so ago makes me want that no-phone situation back again.

The reason for that is the news, the constant reaching in my pocket to find my screen. Inevitably, now, I will be on my phone, pull something up, google search something and see hatred disguised as necessary, as justice. I will scan a newspaper website and I will find something like hate-ads that ask me to find these people and hate them too, ironically for hating.

The concept of turn off, tune out–or whatever catchphrase it was is nothing new. (I am sure I want to get away like everyone else. They could actually fake me in videos now.) In fact, it’s probably very old. It doesn’t matter. But try it. Shut the phone off. Just the phone. Watch a movie and take a walk. Maybe shut the television off too.

We could scroll Facebook, Reddit, Twitter, Instagram for hours but we still find ourselves in the same place: sitting between up and down, looking for what’s next, constantly moving towards the end–if that is even possible. I don’t know. I think of how stupid it must feel to craft a post that would appease everyone that is in my friend group and those who are in my friend group who I don’t give a shit about… I wonder… Does this jive with my ideology? Or is it fake?

And the conclusion hit me today. I walked into a dark office in the afternoon and ran into someone who couldn’t believe the world news and how everything was internal struggle and meltdown, go figure. It was too much. The whole world was ending certainly.

Ah… but not here I thought. The world in this quiet dark office was very pleasant, nothing to bother anyone. Even the lights weren’t offensive and people weren’t playing music outside. It was fine. I told my friend I laughed at the nightly news; every new day was a new catastrophic drama-fest meltdown stoked by advertisements and distractionism. Something unreal.

And I calmed. Maybe I should add turn off the local news to the list. They are sponsored by something as well. There are hosts that will never get fired because of what they say they are, honest. There are stories that will never get covered because of what others say they are, different. And we can agree. Still, there is that button you can touch. Turn it off and take a much needed breath of air and just think for once.

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Protesters shut down Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges’ press conference, demanding new leadership now, continued unrest

In an odd turn of events, the protesters attempted to oust Minneapolis mayor Betsy Hodges calling for her and her entire staff to resign.

This action come in lieu of the recent tragic shooting of Justine Damond, chief of police Harteau was asked to resign yesterday in relation to this event.

At the press conference, a group of protesters from a Justine rally appear to take over the meeting and demand that Hodges also resign.

Hodges made no remarks to signify if she were or were not to resign, simply leaving the conference abruptly.

BREAKING: Russian operatives hack Easter Sunday, little sister wins Easter egg hunt two years in a row

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A bunch of Easter eggs scattered on the ground, an American tradition Photo: Megan Spicer

In what has turned into worldwide contention, anonymous sources have confirmed for America mainstream news organizations that Russian operatives have officially hacked the results of the 2017 La Crescent, Minnesota family Easter egg hunt, siding the last born child.

The youngest of four siblings won a second year in a row, prompting an immediate recount, massive protests around the nation, and cries that she turn over the highly-demanded $20 from the golden egg–which this years was secretly hidden in a red plastic egg, by Russian operatives, rather than in the shining golden egg.

There has been no confirmation or dis-confirmation of these damning allegations by Russian sources, merely they responded by not responding because no questions were asked, per usual–which means theses assertions hold clout, obviously.  There is no legal reason why the youngest sibling should win 2 years in a row, the outcome is suspect.

April the giraffe gives birth to computer generated baby giraffe in staged event on Facebook, anonymous sources admit

About 9:50 a.m. ET, April the giraffe, whose privacy rights violation pregnancy captivated thousands, gave birth to a computer generated baby calf at Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, N.Y.  Five minutes later, it was announced to deaf eared masses that the event was in fact staged.

The computer generated baby calf squirted out and splayed on the ground before standing up and disappearing into a green screen, its mother nuzzling the newborn CGI calf exactly as the director had directed, yelling cut. At the time of the birth, about 1.2 million people watched live on YouTube and nearly 750K watched from the zoo’s Facebook page.

The advertising revenues earned from this elaborately staged event was nothing short of a European diamond heist, and those watching will be none the wiser if it is real or not real. People are more concerned with the happy thoughts of seeing a baby giraffe born in real-time on Facebook, when contrasted with fear and war and division.

This distraction is wonderful fodder and gives people a warm fuzzy feeling, making them unwilling to question the time spent watching this “real” event, when actually it was staged in such a fashion that no one could see the truth, only advertisers.

We had to come out and say it, an anonymous highly-regarded spokesperson said, we felt bad about hosing people about this event since February… We thought it was going to be a bit more obvious considering the perfect timing of the birth, Saturday, in the morning, while people are checking their phones… But is seems no one got it. 

New Study: Global warming to cause devastating measurable harm in America locally in 2017, spring rummage sales in the midwest to take an incredibly massive hit

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Steam pipes spraying off a bunch of steam into the blue skies at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time soon to change midwestern rummage sales forever (Photo by Walter/flickr CC2.0)

 

So far this year, we have seen polar ice caps melting more swiftly into the see, extreme weather spawning tornadoes across the central United States wreaking havoc, and now there is more tangible proof that the laws of global warming are taking a real grip globally and locally, midwestern rummage sales are slated to take a dramatic fiscal hit this year.

“Sure, the snow is gone, the ice piles is melting, and the flowers are popping up everywhere, but this change will touch us all, it will cause rummage salers to be absolutely confused about when to go rummagesaling… when to buy or sell.  What’s even more, executives holding rummage sales will be just as confused as when to have a rummage sale as a tomato plant that tries to bloom in march in Duluth!”  One disgruntled anonymous self-proclaimed community representative said last week.

All of this nice, tempered weather in what should be a winter weather wonderland this season will have an eventual, inevitable, severe, insane, incredible, unbelievable, amazing, awesome, terrible, ridiculous, measurable cost.  Rummage sales sales for 2017 are forecasted to be down, way down.  Down so much so that $25 worth of things-you-no-longer-wanted-cluttering-up-your-house will be worth only $15.  

This year’s global warming inevitability is bad, real bad.  (And that’s been fact-checked) When you think about the local effect that global warming has on the world, it is hard to comprehend.  If each neighborhood is unable to make money off of rummage sales then the GDP for that neighborhood will be perish, changing tax values, raising the crime rate, adding to growing poverty, and this obviously leads to more socio-economical matters of grave concern, of course more protests.

And with all this bad, there is a silverling.  Although, global warming will be felt locally–by law, immensely this year, there is still hope.  A band of vigilante activists called “NCF” (which stands for No Carbohydrate Footprint) is out spreading the message to reduce their carbohydrate footprint drastically.  Their actions are simple and easy and anyone can make change for the better.  They advise the masses to simply eat less bread, noodles, and pop tarts.  We can all make positive change in these dire times by stepping it up and reducing out carbohydrate footprint.

In lieu of all of this new information from this new study, now that there is visible measurable proof, all naysayers can switch their ideologies and start fixing the problem here and now, on this planet.  Further, to help reduce one’s carbohydrate footprint one must avoid all grains, all food products that have carbohydrates in them.  The world truly depends on those with higher enlightenment, those with the ability to make change in the present for the better of the future.

Gorsuch’s fate to be decided by bipartisan singing competition, Democrats and Republicans both agree that they love The Voice

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Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch laying down the law about singing competition as he raises both hands for two questions confusedly during his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Photo by MPR/AP

What seemed a strange outcome to what would potentially be a interminable filibuster, which would then transpire into the ever dreaded “nuclear option”, government representatives have agreed to settle their contrasting differences in an unprecedented singing competition, because both parties love The Voice.

Tension soared to new heights on Monday as Democrats poised to block the Gorsuch vote and waste more time just talking (for lack of purpose)–which they have immense practice at, and as the Republicans estimated ways they could eventually change the rules by reinterpreting them as not to break them.  Then, a silver lining, wonderful idea: sing it the fuck out.  Now instead of meaningless jabber, they will serenade!

In this astonishing change of heart, all humility was saved by what was at first a quiet suggestion of a fair competition, one that Russia could certainly not hack or manipulate the paramount results of, and still, a game that would give any one group an option to decide who is more right than the other unequivocally.  That’s when Gorsuch made the suggestions himself.

It was a risky move that was taken–very necessary though, very… to put that novel idea forward into the shark tank of US politics, and for once all parties agreed on something for a total of 20 seconds… an anonymous, yet, highly reliable source onlooker unaffiliated with CNN said.  It was incredible.  God… it was like they wasted the last year and just did something.  Holy shit.  Wow.  This is AMAZING… it’s like a kale salad.  another legitimate anonymous source partaking not associated with MPR said off the record.

Gorsuch went on to graciously expound that he got his unique concept of a singing competition from watching hit network television show The Voice, he thought of fixing all the world’s problems by singing about them seems absolutely realistic, and ironically very similar to a filibuster but more upbeat.  And everyone loves The Voice.

Today politicians are going to use their voices for the voices of the American people because of The Voice, and Gorsuch, and in this competition determine once and for all Gorsuch fate and the future of America.  

Minnesota politician tries new material at Gorsuch confirmation hearing, mistaken for slam poetry open mic

This week a Minnesota politician mistakenly thought the Gorusch confirmation hearing was a slam poetry open mic, the style found at most beat coffee houses and in modern literature press events.  Accordingly the critics in earshot found the new material lackluster, overdone, and out of context.

Unfortunately, the new material Franken had was dry, hyperbolic, one-sided, and as expected, negative, certainly when speaking to Gorusch in thinly veiled exaggerations, said one anonymous official.  A member of the audience expressed that they didn’t know whether to laugh or show sympathy for the long-time poet.

Nonetheless, throughout the week news media outlets have covered how unbelievably interesting and important the Gorusch confirmation hearing is; no one thought that anyone would have any issues with Trump’s pick, it’s a real shocker–headline material.  So these apropos readings of banal poetry broke the tension and left many confused.