Category Archives: satire

Things I notice when I think

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A refreshing beverage to help me unwind 

1.) Group think is much easier than having an individual abstract thought that is different than what the majority thinks.  If we all just agreed then there would be no argument, ever.  And making all of the arguments that we don’t agree with out to be wrong or bad or misguided makes our point more relevant and digestible to us.  I remember in elementary school where being different was unique or a good thing, now it’s just not falling in line.

2.)  Occupy Wall Street was a good movement, perhaps.  It included all the poor class(es) perhaps.  It was against the upper class perhaps.  It did not divide the poor individuals by race, gender, nationality, or creed, perhaps.  It was the 99% against the 1% perhaps.  That’s America mothertrucker!  Alas, the 1% own the media; the media stopped covering the Occupy Movement, now they tell us things like flamethrowers are for peace, so is punching, perhaps.

3.)  Most people have passionate feelings about Trump, though they have never met him in person… So they don’t know him from Adam, aside for what certain secondhand accounts paints him.  That is more weird than Trump himself.  I don’t know you, someone who doesn’t know describes you to me, I know everything about you apparently from what they tell me about you: same thing.  I don’t believe in polls.  I don’t believe in advertisements.  I believe in empirical experience.  Did I see it?  Most people have strong opinions of Trump and they have never met Trump.  He is an easy distraction.  He is easy to dislike, perhaps a group thought.

4.)  While all are fighting to protect everything they hold near and dear– identities, everyone else’s identities, rights, freedoms, livelihoods, neighborhoods, peace, and jobs, by fighting–demonstrators are out there doing what they say they are against.  Ideology is an important aspect of any movement, I once thought.  Not really sure.  These actions disenfranchise all of our rights.  These actions put our freedoms at more danger than anything.

5.)  People are crazy.  Ever watch a garden grow into a salad?  Ever mow the grass and see it come back again the same?  Ever watch a sun set on a Sunday?  The news should be on this stuff.  I have never been to North Korea, that place is fine with me.  I have never been to Russia–I have met a russian, all that is fine with me.  It’s all good.  Crazy people assume a stance given to them by the very people they dislike and go with it, even if it doesn’t work a million times over.

6.) These are just things I notice when I think.  I am defending and denouncing no one.  I am merely positing abstract thought to think about.  No need to take it as fact or persuasion.  I think thinking is good.  I think having different ideas and questioning conventional-now wisdom is a fantastic practice, and healthy.  Why not ask why the sky is blue, or why the earth is round, or why global warming is going to drown us all?  Think about it…  Texas Toast doesn’t have to be made in Texas to be called Texas Toast.

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Turn off, tune out: how the media creates the problems their pharmaceutical commercials claim they can cure, just ask your doctor


I had’t thought about it much until my phone broke. Bullshit black-screen of death… I had no phone, I had nothing… Or so I thought, well, most would think this. I might have been wrong. It was great. And getting my phone back a week or so ago makes me want that no-phone situation back again.

The reason for that is the news, the constant reaching in my pocket to find my screen. Inevitably, now, I will be on my phone, pull something up, google search something and see hatred disguised as necessary, as justice. I will scan a newspaper website and I will find something like hate-ads that ask me to find these people and hate them too, ironically for hating.

The concept of turn off, tune out–or whatever catchphrase it was is nothing new. (I am sure I want to get away like everyone else. They could actually fake me in videos now.) In fact, it’s probably very old. It doesn’t matter. But try it. Shut the phone off. Just the phone. Watch a movie and take a walk. Maybe shut the television off too.

We could scroll Facebook, Reddit, Twitter, Instagram for hours but we still find ourselves in the same place: sitting between up and down, looking for what’s next, constantly moving towards the end–if that is even possible. I don’t know. I think of how stupid it must feel to craft a post that would appease everyone that is in my friend group and those who are in my friend group who I don’t give a shit about… I wonder… Does this jive with my ideology? Or is it fake?

And the conclusion hit me today. I walked into a dark office in the afternoon and ran into someone who couldn’t believe the world news and how everything was internal struggle and meltdown, go figure. It was too much. The whole world was ending certainly.

Ah… but not here I thought. The world in this quiet dark office was very pleasant, nothing to bother anyone. Even the lights weren’t offensive and people weren’t playing music outside. It was fine. I told my friend I laughed at the nightly news; every new day was a new catastrophic drama-fest meltdown stoked by advertisements and distractionism. Something unreal.

And I calmed. Maybe I should add turn off the local news to the list. They are sponsored by something as well. There are hosts that will never get fired because of what they say they are, honest. There are stories that will never get covered because of what others say they are, different. And we can agree. Still, there is that button you can touch. Turn it off and take a much needed breath of air and just think for once.

American news media unanimously agrees to write shorter articles saving readers time, triggering the advent of journalism without words

 

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Frogtown, USA —This week an official report of an official study found that most people don’t read the news because it’s too long and takes too much time to read. In hopes to counter lack of readership and lack of attention to everything the mainstream media has decided to make all articles one to two sentences long, maximum.

The decision to make news articles one to two sentences long in their entirety was unanimously agreed upon by American news organizations on Monday eve after finding that no one reads anymore, or takes the news seriously, and this looming fact destroys potential for more advertisement revenue.

In what seems to be the demise of true journalism, a bastion of hope has been burrowed out of thin air in true optimism, from the idea of less is more, perhaps, and this sea change may just be the beginning of novel style of journalism that doesn’t require words at all, merely assumptions by inflection of personal interpretation. Not a far cry from where we are today, when journalism already doesn’t require legitimate sources at all.

To the news that all news articles would be only one to two sentences long, purposeful and sage Millennials rejoiced in having more time to like things on Instagram and craft new Facebook status updates, now instead of reading through articles with details and objective facts the reader could simply fill in the blanks to their liking. Creating a double positive: the story would be easier to read, and easier to digest mentally.

In a time where there isn’t much time in our busy lives, shorter articles will become a more positive experience for the reader, for the writer, and for the entire world in general; journalism with words, thought, and details will become a thing of the distant past. With the official announcement of shorter articles, the American news media is truly on course for a new style of the literary form, a new style of journalism without words.

After El Capitan, Alex Honnold free-solo climbs into his van

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Image from Outside Magazine

Yosemite National Park–Alex Honnold has done it once again and attained another impossible feat in the world of serious climbing. After tackling El Capitan, onlookers watched as Honnold effortlessly and breathtakingly free-solo climbed into his van.

Awestruck spectators watching with eyes agape could hardly believe their camera phones at what they were witnessing/recording for Instagram, the professional mountain climber and avid reader stepped up to his white utility van and pulled himself in with absolute ease over the crux of the biscuit, the side door hole.

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Image from Outside Magazine

What was once thought an unbelievable accomplishment for humankind, to climb into a van door without safety ropes and harnesses or parachutes or life jacket has been proved believed, and somewhat realistically attainable by man.

The significance of this epic and monumental ascent is nothing short of the faked moon landing footage, in relation to what Stanley Kubrick had done for the American mentality in the space race and for cinematography in general throughout history, in relation to what Alex Honnold did in his climbing groups zen.

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From inside of his van Honnold humbly took questions looking incredibly far down at the world from such a great height as he ate a pop tart and read a book about notes from some 19th century author who lived in some underground. Honnold could only thank his dearest mother.

Newly adopted rescue dog thwarts suspected armed robbery; assailants disarmed and dislegged by “Fluffy” still at large

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“Fluffy” rescue dog who purportedly saved family from would-be robbers

Frogtown USA– In what seems to be an ironic and tragic series of events, authorities have responded to a gruesome scene in what could only be described as an armed robbery gone incredibly and horribly wrong.

At the shocking scene bloody body parts lay strewn at what could have been an armed robbery only thwarted by the new family companion, pictured above, a dog named Fluffy, a newly adopted rescue animal.  No victims were harmed, no property stolen, and only the suspected criminals were left scathed.

After the failed heist, intervened by “Fluffy” the Rogers’ beloved newly adopted rescue dog, assailants made away not on foot, bleeding profusely from badly torn orifices, crying in agonizing pain, from deep and infected canine bite wounds.

In lieu of these blessed and terrifying events, the Frogtown detectives have issued an all points bulletin for the general public to be on the look out for two men in shredded ski masks missing arms and legs and most likely suffering from extreme blood loss.

[The] Body parts have been removed from the scene and been logged into the Frogtown criminal investigations headquarters as evidence of this epic failure of an attempted armed robbery.  Authorities are tirelessly trying to match arms and legs to at large assailants via DNA analysis.

Minnesota man to consider $5 donation during next MPR membership drive if he reads one positive unbiased article about Trump, published by the mainstream news organization

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President of the United States of America pointing across a room at an unknown person, one positive article to garner $5 donation to MPR from local man. Photo by Getty

Reports broke Tuesday that local Minnesota man, who happens to be a millennial, a college grad, and a recent republican voter–although no party affiliation at this time could be confirmed, to consider donating $5 to next MPR membership drive if they write one positive unbiased article about president Donald Trump.

This incredible news came to a slough of jeers, guffaws, and mumbles from friends, colleagues, and family who happened to be unflinching MPR supporters.  Their reaction was to vehemently detest the idea that MPR as an organization could be biased in anyway towards anyone with differing ideas always–those not of the Progressive-Democratic ilk.

Though, these reports are wholly unconfirmed and unverified, the local male will be watching reports and reading articles ever closely looking for any indication that objective reporting exists in the state of Minnesota, and as he suggested, if he finds this to be the case he will consider contributing his $5 donation and become a highly member.  We all wait with bated breath.

Gorsuch’s fate to be decided by bipartisan singing competition, Democrats and Republicans both agree that they love The Voice

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Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch laying down the law about singing competition as he raises both hands for two questions confusedly during his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Photo by MPR/AP

What seemed a strange outcome to what would potentially be a interminable filibuster, which would then transpire into the ever dreaded “nuclear option”, government representatives have agreed to settle their contrasting differences in an unprecedented singing competition, because both parties love The Voice.

Tension soared to new heights on Monday as Democrats poised to block the Gorsuch vote and waste more time just talking (for lack of purpose)–which they have immense practice at, and as the Republicans estimated ways they could eventually change the rules by reinterpreting them as not to break them.  Then, a silver lining, wonderful idea: sing it the fuck out.  Now instead of meaningless jabber, they will serenade!

In this astonishing change of heart, all humility was saved by what was at first a quiet suggestion of a fair competition, one that Russia could certainly not hack or manipulate the paramount results of, and still, a game that would give any one group an option to decide who is more right than the other unequivocally.  That’s when Gorsuch made the suggestions himself.

It was a risky move that was taken–very necessary though, very… to put that novel idea forward into the shark tank of US politics, and for once all parties agreed on something for a total of 20 seconds… an anonymous, yet, highly reliable source onlooker unaffiliated with CNN said.  It was incredible.  God… it was like they wasted the last year and just did something.  Holy shit.  Wow.  This is AMAZING… it’s like a kale salad.  another legitimate anonymous source partaking not associated with MPR said off the record.

Gorsuch went on to graciously expound that he got his unique concept of a singing competition from watching hit network television show The Voice, he thought of fixing all the world’s problems by singing about them seems absolutely realistic, and ironically very similar to a filibuster but more upbeat.  And everyone loves The Voice.

Today politicians are going to use their voices for the voices of the American people because of The Voice, and Gorsuch, and in this competition determine once and for all Gorsuch fate and the future of America.