Tag Archives: Football

When Iowa Beats Undefeated Minnesota… Row the Boat

Aaron Rodgers potentially Traded to State Farm off of Injured Reserve, New Revealing Video Evidence Suggests

After being put on injured reserve (IR) last season, Aaron Rodgers tenure with the Packers was put in limbo. Now, after appearing in numerous State Farm commercials Rodgers’ fate with the Green Bay Packers is rumored to be incredibly uncertain at best and at worst not impacted at all.

This potential bombshell of an assumption will come as a shock and surprise to die-hard Cheeseheads across some very small portions of the country. This fake news is downright unbelievable, unaccountable, and lacking any credibility whatsoever. This article is pure satire, but no one will read this far into it because: modern times/no one reads.

Rodgers was contacted in the future for a prophetic statement but could not answer because he was not actually contacted in the future for a statement because this article is only satire, and every just assumes the headlines are “facts”.

Amid swirling rumors and speculation and video evidence, in the form of a State Farm commercial, Rodgers solidified his trade to State Farm potentially–possibly signalling that he will be leaving for another team, or maybe he won’t.  But there is video proof in the form of a video to prove this narrative.

The Green Bay Packers will never be the same successful team they once were because their team relies so heavily on one player. It will be truly sad to see him go to State Farm to film another commercial for the football season, but if you are good at something, or one thing, you have to stick to it.

A Vikings’ Win when it counts turns Minnesotans into Captain Ahab, hunting his Moby Dick for all Eternity

“This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.” -T.S. Eliot

Last night, after the Minnesota Vikings got DESTROYED by the Philadelphia Eagles, I was flipping through channels on my rabbit ears and found the Gregory Peck film version of the classic American novel Moby-Dick. I found this story to be an apropos metaphor for all die-hard Vikings’ fans at the moment, and for eternity. We are all perpetually Captain Ahab looking for the majestic white whale (a Vikings’ Win when it counts), becoming dangerously obsessed, eventual that idea becomes our mental and physical downfall, to the point of mortal apathy. The game last night ended like the Pequod and it’s ill-fated crew: figuratively eviscerated in a vast ocean of literal Eagles fans and defeatist nostalgia. We, us Ahabs, may never get our Moby Dick–that one win to take our Purple Pride to the Superbowl, especially in our hometown (fuck). Ah, but we will all yell at our TVs, clench our fists, ask the whys and hows, and hope every season, as we scream, THAR SHE BLOWS! that this year will be the one in which we the Vikings will win!

Viking Mind Games: Cardboard Cutout of Adrian Peterson to Play in Sundays Game against The Colts

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After a week of sexy salacious discussion as to if Vikings’ star running back, and interim Vikings’ sideline hype manager, Adrain Peterson, will play in Sundays game, there comes an unexpected answer.  Today, the answer has come from an unofficial Vikings’ spokesperson verifying that an actual cardboard cutout of Adrian Peterson will indeed play in Sundays game as a decoy, and not the real person Adrian Peterson.

This unusual strategy comes as no surprise at all to a team that must, and will do anything to win and ascend to the Superbowl spectacle in January. “[You] see, the more we talk about him (Adrain Peterson) playing, or not playing, in Sunday’s game, the more it throws off the other team’s game plan off,” said the unofficial Vikings’ spokesperson and anonymous source, “it only makes sense that the Vikings would resort to such a tactic so late in the season [having not had superstars Peterson or Bridgewater.].

Naturally, this sort of move is not the first time we have seen a secretive ploy get the Vikings ahead in their league, for instance, in the first few weeks of the season a similar situation happened with highly anticipated Teddy Bridgewater; with a head coach switch-a-roo (which is still being carried out today), emergency eye surgery that no one saw coming, and with a kicker’s identity change mid-season, Walsh is still known by a new moniker, Forbath.  Ok Chris Gaines, we know you are Garth Brooks.  Needless to say, The Bridgewater Bluff fooled even the best of NFL insiders, obviously, and it also paid dividends to the Vikings’ scoreboard.  But the scheme could not last long, the wins started to stop.

And to summarize, that is why the cardboard cutout of Peterson is absolute genius for throwing an opposing team off their game and giving The Minnesota Vikings the edge they need to come out ahead; however, this strategy may only work for one game, as the other team may catch on to the cardboard cutout Peterson rouse somewhat easily.  Yet, like politics if you keep talking about it as if it so, then of course it is so for many–especially the other team.  So, be ready fantasy football people, AP’s four points may just turn to zero, or a million points for the Purple and Gold, as one cannot draft a cardboard cutout.  However it remains to be seen if another Viking’s mind game will bring another solid “W” with the idea of a paper tiger, or if they will just get pulped and recycled.

Letter to the Editor: What’s in a Name; The Redskins and Lake Calhoun

4 TLake Calhoun- Wikipedia

I wrote this piece to MN Daily 11/11/13, it was never published.  The Redskins were to play the Vikings, just as they did last weekend. 

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11/11/13 (previously unpublished)

In recent news proponents arguing for the name change of the Redskins rallied outside of the Metrodome in downtown Minneapolis.  This rally was set in place on the basis of a name change, the namesake of an NFL team, this team, the Washington Redskins.  This specific argument of change is very important, and central to the nation’s growth, and progressive equality for minorities; however, those same activists who went out to advocate the name change of an NFL team have overlooked the name change of a city landmark that is racially as disparaging, the name change of Lake Calhoun.

What are the true motives for those rallying against the name?  Is it a national hot topic that brings people out?  Why not try to fix something local?  Something as detrimental for minority groups as the name of an NFL team.  Lake Calhoun is a city landmark named in honor of a promoter of slavery, a confederate general from the South, and a person who slighted the ideas of abolitionists.  Yet we do nothing to change the name.  We stand outside of the Metrodome taking photos behind signs while the name of Lake Calhoun sits safely in the midst of our city. 

For living in this progressive city I feel this name an embarrassment.  I believe we as citizens have a right to protect the idea of equality within our community, not just those of nationwide spectacles. 

For the past 3 years, since I found the true origin of the name of Lake Calhoun (from an ambitious History Professor at MCTC, Matt Carhartt) I have seen nothing change.  I have heard nothing of the idea since.

What Priorities? Vikings Stadium: It’s a question of priorities

880x550_0000_Exterior_PlazaPerspective

MinnPost: Vikings Stadium: It’s a question of priorities

“In the case of building a new Vikings stadium, it was always understood to be roughly 50-50 with the Vikings owners and taxpayers sharing the financial load. Currently, it appears to be closer to a ratio of 90 percent taxpayer and 10 percent owner.”

I suppose it will be nice to have a giant fucking monstrosity of a privately owned stadium as a money collector, to be paid for with tax dollars, as opposed to tuition assistance for college students.  I mean, concussions and NFL tickets are high priority in Viking’s Territory; not to mention we have the Superbowl coming 2018-  major money maker.

The Vikings constantly win the Superbowl, and other titles, so I can see why they need a new facility.  Forget my college debt and the high price of textbooks.  This is a must have for Minnesotans.  The community doesn’t need more educated book reading people, it needs more football fans, bar none.

It could be worse though, I mean, I am more okay with this than funding wars oversea: (see: Wars vs. Local Education; Al Franken, as the Senate Votes) , I must say…  I personally enjoy making the rich richer, and the poor poorer, I know where I stand as a priority; disadvantaged.