Tag Archives: La Crescent

BREAKING: Russian operatives hack Easter Sunday, little sister wins Easter egg hunt two years in a row


A bunch of Easter eggs scattered on the ground, an American tradition Photo: Megan Spicer

In what has turned into worldwide contention, anonymous sources have confirmed for America mainstream news organizations that Russian operatives have officially hacked the results of the 2017 La Crescent, Minnesota family Easter egg hunt, siding the last born child.

The youngest of four siblings won a second year in a row, prompting an immediate recount, massive protests around the nation, and cries that she turn over the highly-demanded $20 from the golden egg–which this years was secretly hidden in a red plastic egg, by Russian operatives, rather than in the shining golden egg.

There has been no confirmation or dis-confirmation of these damning allegations by Russian sources, merely they responded by not responding because no questions were asked, per usual–which means theses assertions hold clout, obviously.  There is no legal reason why the youngest sibling should win 2 years in a row, the outcome is suspect.

La Crescent to no longer be considered the “Apple Capital” due to religious symbolism


LA CRESCENT, MN. — After five seconds of controversy, the La Crescent City Council has voted to change the historical title of La Crescent, Minnesota, from the “Apple Capital” to just “(something not offensive)” because of a group from far away making apparent (empty) threats in relation to the religious symbolism of apples (the fruit).

Yesterday the decision was made by some primates and invertebrates elected to govern the fine city of La Crescent. Under the new proposal signs with the title will be torn down, erased, and the city will become just that, another city trying not to offend anyone anywhere.

A giraffe in a dress representing the city council said that she believes the members made the right decision to duck and run like cowards, rather than to go on their local beliefs and what they think is right, because “we are sheep.” (–literally some of the members of the council are sheep.)

“Most likely in the long run we will all forget where we come from, forget our big ideas, our hopes and dreams, and eventually forget the idea of La Crescent, the city formerly known as the “Apple Capital.” It is important to forget our heritage and work with those who oppose us even if they don’t know us. Sometimes compromising our ethics and aspirations is better for the strength of the community, sometimes… (inaudible mumbles)…”

The new plan to remove the title will go into effect beginning on the next business day (11/25/15). So, in reality, enjoy the title while it lasts.

“Having just one more special day with the title of “Apple Capital” is like having a really meaningful Band-Aid soon to be ripped off and thrown away.” said one anonymous citizen/optimist.

The controversy of the “Apple Capital” title stems, and branches off from The Opponents of Religious Symbolism Group, also known as (ORSG), rooted on the planet Mars. They embarked on this mission moments before the council decided to give up and leaf the room. They claim that the apple symbolizes Adam and Eve’s fall from the Garden of Eden, and, to them, recollecting the apple image itself can cause serious trauma and mental harm.

“The proposal will go into effect tomorrow. Everyone agrees with what the few of us on city council have to say… Take for instance our decision on frac mining. That’s a hit now, everyone loves it. Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain…” said a giraffe in a dress.