Tag Archives: The Onion

New Puppy No Longer Facebook Sensation, Likes and Comments Down, Owner Struggles to Find It Home at Humane Society

AMERICA, USA–A recent study showed that on average 65% of pet owners posted pictures of their pets to social media twice a week, these posts impact the quality of life for pets, especially if the pet is having trouble garnering an attractive and powerful presence on social media platforms.

Last week, for example, in a stunning reversal of opinion due to lack of likes and followers on Facebook, the owner of an old new puppy struggled to find it a new home at the humane society.

Likes just weren’t what they used to be on Facebook and Instagram, so the pooch had to go, said the former owner laughingly while staring at their phone. There will be better puppies out there to post on social media about, they quipped.

Recently, perhaps, there has been an uptick in the number of pets not pulling their weight on social media platforms and this hypothetical theory may directly impact the animal population within rescue facilities all over the globe, and their owner’s clout in the social media universe.

One solution to this potential problem could be that dogs and pets simply need to be cuter to retain their social media following and meaningful presence, perhaps breeding them better or creating an amazing, more interesting presence on social media can nip this issue in the bud.

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Minnesota bars and restaurants to manually disable cellphone reception in order to counteract the lack of general interest in society

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Monday, September 15th. In a surprise move the MBARA has decided to run a test trial of a new, clandestine program that will limit, and otherwise completely restrict cellphone reception in all Minneapolis bars and restaurants. Starting this week, and throughout the upcoming weekend, locals with “important phone calls” to make, “email checks ” to have, and “status updates” posts, will be completely out of range within their favorite establishments.

The MBARA (Minnesota Bar and Restaurant Association, similar to MMBA) has decided, like their sister sect, to limit the use of cellphone service in local businesses; while limiting the freedoms of American citizens by outdated law, akin to Sunday Sales Restrictions. This trail comes on the heels of public outcry over lack of attention in those dining rooms of your proxy. “People just don’t seem to care about those around them anymore.” says an unreliable stranger. Recently, establishments have cited a lack of conversation at the table due to excessive “selfies”, “updates”, and in general “scrolling”, of social media hotbeds by patrons in attendance.

This decision to act by law has been in the process for some time; initially, when pay phones inhibited restaurant goers of meaningful conversation, duels, and wagon races, back in the 1700’s. The lack of conversation, viz-a-viz, has been a growing epidemic of recent, brought on by smartphones, tablets, and the vanity crisis facing the human race, specifically Americans.

The MBARA is staunch in their stance against people’s freedoms when it comes to being shut-off in a social setting, and liquor sales. With this law they have one objective, that being: all people within a restaurant- or otherwise social, setting, should engage with those in their presence, or have no option to do such activity at all. “Human contact and communication is of the utmost importance; it conveys ideas, histories, and cultures.” says Barb Toto. The increase in personal smart devices has rendered a society of able bodied individuals irrelevant in the age of technology, undermining its tact and thought process at the most basic level.

Minnesota Legislators have agreed with restricting citizen’s rights in the past, with Sunday Sales Restrictions in Minnesota, proper. Now is the time again. If this test trial goes well, prepare to shut-off and be in a “dead zone”, everywhere, whenever you enter your favorite bar and restaurant, it is high time we all brush up on our in-person social skills. The MBARA wants people conversing and laughing aloud in bars and restaurants, not just on social media, and that should be the law.